Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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