we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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