life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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