I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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