WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am one with the molecules
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
