Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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