I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We had to coat check the pizza.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
