if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
