it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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