How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
