so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
