if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
