It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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