He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
