when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
