I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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