Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
