you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Even my vagina gasped.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
