I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
