You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have aggressive nipples.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
