I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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