you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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