oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
