I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
