I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
