If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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