She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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