I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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