I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
