dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize