I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
