I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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