the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
