you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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