I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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