I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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