i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
