really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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