So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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