Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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