i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
