Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
