Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
