So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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