She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
