Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
