I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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