It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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