I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
