doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
