I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
