One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize