there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
