He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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