The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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