Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
